


What Would I Do? (If I Didn't Have You)

by dixiethumbelina



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers (Comic), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Very miserable Jensen, mentions of injuries and blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 09:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5042788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dixiethumbelina/pseuds/dixiethumbelina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seeing the guy you love more than anything lying unconscious in a hospital bed is bound to lead to a small breakdown, especially when you have so much left you wanted to say. Or, at least that's Jensen's excuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Would I Do? (If I Didn't Have You)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! First work in a completely new fandom. I hope it stands up to the excellent work already here, and that you like it, because otherwise the influx of stuff I have planned for this pairing may drive you all nuts ... Whatever I write will have copious amounts of fluff and hurt/comfort, as anyone who has followed me over from The Walking Dead will know, and I'm allergic to sad endings. So, hope you like this, which was intended to be a 500 word drabble and kind of ... Grew. I swear it is better than both title and the summary may lead you to believe.  
> Also many, many, MANY thank you's to my lovely beta, Demeanor, who isn't even in this fandom but happily allows me to natter on about it to her :)  
> Anyway, I love feedback and general love, it feeds my muses, and if you want to chat, I welcome everyone at dixiethumbelina.tumblr.com

Jensen’s eyes are hot and tight as if he’d been working for three days straight again, but he can’t remember when he last touched a keyboard. He can’t remember anything past this hospital room, this chair, this bed. He can’t see beyond the tan fingers wrapped in his own, limp and cool. He’s tempted to pick at the blood under both his own nails and the ones pressed against his, but he’s partially afraid that Cougar’ll wake up and wonder what the fuck he’s doing, even if it’s for the greater good because the man _hated _blood under his nails. Then again, Jensen’d very much like to see those dark brown eyes watching him again, so maybe he should be doing crazy shit like cleaning under his nails if it means he can wake the guy up.__

__Because it’s been four days (Jensen thinks, things are a blurry mess of tears and blood and _oh fuck nonono anyone but him _fear) since Cougar was shot three times, shoulder, right side and thigh, plus a mean ol’ head wound where he’d fallen out of his perch. Four days since Jensen had cradled him while he came scarily close to bleeding out in the back of the newest what-the-everloving-fuck-is-that vehicle Pooch had found to haul their asses two hours out of the jungle. Four days since Cougar choked out that he loved Jensen before passing out.___ _

____Four days since Jensen begged for Cougar to wake the fuck _up, _not to leave him. Four unbearably long days since Pooch held him back from following Cougar into surgery and wherever he went beyond that, because there was nowhere he wouldn't follow his Cougs. Four days since the team had hauled his ass into the waiting room of a tiny hospital in a godforsaken little country, and he had dug out that stupid box from his laptop bag. Jensen hasn't let go of it since, alternating between tossing it in the air and clinging to it, wishing for the nth time that he’d had the balls to actually give it to Cougar.___ _ _ _

______Because he’d wanted that, but he didn’t know if Cougs did too, if the three years of friendship and the two years of being more as well were leading up to that in the other man’s eyes too. And now … now there was so much left unsaid, and the doctors couldn't give them any answers beyond giving it time, that at least now he was relatively stable, that they’re pretty sure (because _that’s _reassuring) that the head injury and blood loss are what held him back from waking. But Jensen knows firsthand how quickly it can all change, and that anything can happen to make him lose the man he’s absolutely adored since about two hours into day one. It’s irrational, he knows, because Cougar’s lived through far worse, all of them have, but there’s the anxiety and terror still running far too hot in the tech’s system.___ _ _ _ _ _

________The team’s worried because Jensen’s not talking, hasn't spoken beyond the basics to doctors and nurses about Cougar’s condition when they drop in every hour. Jensen can’t make himself speak, that’s the thing. There’s no one here who wants to listen, not even Jensen himself, and he’s too focussed on every breath, every twitch of the man in front of him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But Pooch said today that he thinks Jensen should start talking, at least to Cougar, that maybe he can hear Jensen wherever he is (Roque says he hopes to fucking _Christ _that he can’t hear Jensen wherever he is, because that’s everyone’s idea of hell). And hey, it’s not like he can do anything else, there’s no amount of tech in the world that can wake Cougs up, and besides talking, Jensen knows he’s only mediocre to middling at everything else no matter what his boyfriend says. The blonde sucks Cougar’s dick, he has no choice but to say nice things about Jensen.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________So he started talking around noon, about everything and nothing. All the shit that’s going on around them while they sit in something that resembles suspended animation, just watching and waiting. Eventually he runs out of observations, general trivia and a few token whines about his tech being abandoned to the team’s porn choices, and Jensen starts talking about all the things he hasn't gotten to do with Cougar yet. It’s a good way to utterly depress himself, but hey, Cougar needs to hear this shit sometime. It might as well be while he’s unconscious, then he can’t laugh at Jensen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I mean, I know we've seen all the assholes of each and every country, but I would have liked to go some more good places, you know? It’s been awesome to spend our leave at Emma’s, but I wanted to take you everywhere, Cougs. Wanted to take you all over the world and let you enjoy yourself for once. Fuck …” Jensen drops his head into his hands, throat sore from talking for longer than he has in days, not used to the sound of his own voice yet. He gives in and has a few more ice chips from the glass he’s kept on the table, the only thing besides energy drinks that he’s been able to keep down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I wanted us to get a little place to ourselves, on the outskirts of some tiny town, real easy to defend. Nice and quiet, a bit of land. Somewhere we could just … be us.” He chokes out a sob, the edges of the box digging into his fingers so hard they were losing feeling. “I really wanted to give you this stupid thing. Wanted to ask you to be mine for real, now that we can. It’s dumb, but I've been carrying it around for like a year now. Picked it up when we were at Emma’s that time, when you were helping Beth with her Spanish and I went to help Em with the shopping, you remember? I’d been up for like, three days and anyone else would have knocked me out to make me shut up, but you just smiled at me and I seriously didn't think I could've loved you any more than I did then, man. But even _I _knew it was too soon, then I kept chickening out. I knew you wouldn't laugh, you wouldn't be cruel, but I figured … I dunno, Cougs. I just kind of guessed it wasn't something you wanted with me.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He wipes at his eyes, glasses long since abandoned on the small bedside table since he’d gotten sick of cleaning them every five minutes. If he couldn't see properly then he might as well be comfortable without the nose-pieces digging into his skin, the arms digging into the side of his head when he laid it down to rest next to Cougar’s thankfully still beating chest. He won’t, _can’t _sleep beyond a moment here and there. Not until … well, until he knows for sure which path he’s going to take once he leaves this hospital, the one where he’s got Cougs by his side or the one where he falls apart at the seams until there’s nothing left.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________More tears keep pouring down his face until he’s sobbing silently yet completely in earnest, shoulders heaving and chest aching. All the shit he’d wanted since the start seems to be even further out of reach than it normally is and his heart feels like it’s going to tear out of his chest with misery. Nothing’s hurt so badly since, well, Jensen can’t remember anything hurting like this. Not every break-up, every friend he thought he had who turned out to be using or pitying him. Not losing the entirety of his team before the Losers. Not his parents being alternately abusive and neglectful, not being kicked out at sixteen when his dad caught him making out with the neighbour’s son. Homelessness for six months while he tracked Emma down, loneliness, grief, none of it was anything compared to a life without Cougar’s quiet, bright light in it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________When he could manage to start speaking again without bawling, even Jensen could tell his voice was cracked and too quiet. “I know I'm probably not what you expected in a partner, or husband, or whatever the fuck we’d be. You could certainly do a million times better, I mean, there’s no one earth good enough for you, man. You’re sexy as hell, smart, gentle and kind when you want to be and as scary as Roque when you wanna be, you frightening motherfucker. And good goddamn, you’re _beautiful. _Like out of this world, blow my mind gorgeous, inside and out.” Jensen smiled, small and sad, because it’s the first time he’s been able to say that without getting hit or teased for it. He isn't a girl, regardless of what Roque thinks, he just can see how fucking beautiful his sniper is and he enjoys telling him.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“But, I love you, you know? You’re it for me, Cougs.” He stroked his thumb over too-cool skin, the faint life under his skin nowhere near what he was used to. “I know it’s sappy and stupid and been said a million times in those shitty rom-coms you watch when you think I don’t have my eye on you, but man… You need to wake up, because I can’t do this without you. I can’t. Emma and Beth … you know I lost a lot of ground there with all the time away, they got used to not having me around. I think they've kind of gotten used to the idea that I won’t come home. The team have their own shit to live for, but without you … I got nothing. Cougs, you gotta – “_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jensen dropped his head down to those clasped hands, tan against pale and pressed a kiss to Cougar’s calloused index finger. He hid the tears dripping down his face in the soft, antiseptic scented sheets and tried his best not to jostle still-healing flesh. “ _Please _wake up, don’t leave me. I need my Carlos, and I know you think you’re not but you’re still that guy, you’re still my good guy. It doesn't matter what we gotta do, what we've done, you’re the best one of us, the best person I've ever met. And I promise, I’ll try better to be quieter, to be more normal, to keep my gun on me and not get distracted so easy. I think I do everything you want in bed besides growing girl parts, and I can’t do that and I don’t think I’d want to anyway because I like having a dick, but other than that, if there’s something I'm not doing that you want, just tell me and I’ll give it my all. Fuck, I’ll –“___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He rubbed blonde hair against white fabric, wishing there was a hand in his hair like so many times before. It seems entirely suitable that a man whose nickname was a big-ass cat enjoyed being nuzzled and essentially scent marked. He also really enjoyed returning the favour, rubbing himself against every part of Jensen he could reach, and god, he’d never wanted so bad to feel that soft dark hair under his fingers as Cougs nuzzled under his chin. “I’ll actually get the balls to ask you to marry me, or if you don’t like that I’ll throw the fucking ring in the nearest fire and pretend it never happened. I’ll do anything, be whatever you want me to be, just don’t leave me.” His voice cracks again on the last two words, and he huddles in as close as he can get to Cougar’s painfully still body, fighting the very strong urge to climb on beside it. If it wasn't for the fact that he’d hardly be able to fit on the bed by himself let alone with Cougar, Jensen’d be there already._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He doesn't know how long he sits there, but it’s long enough that his ass goes numb again, his fingers cramping around Cougar’s still unresponsive ones enough that he has to flex them. It’s long enough that his eyes burn, dry and gritty now that he’s stopped crying (or, more accurately, he’s ran out of tears and is somewhat dehydrated) and there’s a desperate urge for a bathroom break and an energy drink or four from the vending machine. He’s at the door before he remembers the little box in his hand, and looking down at that blue square, something in him (God knows what, even _he _can’t make sense of his brain at the moment) makes a deviation from the last week. Jensen walks back to the bed where his best friend, his team mate, the love of his goddamn _life _is lying, and leaves the box tucked under the fingers he was holding only moments before._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________It feels so strange to walk empty-handed down the corridor to the public restrooms, because of course in this tiny ass hospital there’s no bathrooms off patients’ rooms. His hands both feel empty, naked without Cougar’s fingers limply entwined with his own and the question that he’d wanted to ask left behind as a promise that he’d be back soon. He hasn't left Cougs behind before, he normally times his very minimal breaks with Pooch or Clay or Roque’s arrival, give them a chance to have a moment or two with the sniper. But now that the rest of the team has holed itself up in a shitty hotel that Jensen hasn't even seen yet, there’s no one else to sit by Cougar’s side, and he hates to think that one of the very, very few times he leaves the guy’s side is when he’ll wake up. Actually, knowing the sniper, that’s exactly what he’ll do. Or maybe it’s just stupid hope filling Jensen’s heart again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________By the time he’s on his way back to the shitty, but at least private room (and Jensen doesn't want to know what Roque and Clay had to do to get it in the first place considering there’s patients scattered in the hallways) the tech can admit he’s a little bit jittery, given that the medical care is middling at best. He doesn't trust this overworked and underpaid hospital to notice if Cougar starts seizing or something when there's no one there to keep an eye on him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________When he rounds the doorway at a too-quick walk, Jensen breathes a sigh of relief to see nothing’s changed, while at the same time his heart drops an inch or two, _because nothing’s changed. _He knew it was dumb, but he’d kind of hoped that Cougar might have moved, or woken up, or _something. _By the time he’s sitting down in his uncomfortable chair again, Jensen thinks maybe, _maybe _Cougar’s tan fingers have tightened around the box somewhat, but with Red Bull firing hot in his rather empty system he can’t be sure of much._______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________So he settles down again, throat and heart a little too raw to begin talking again yet. Instead the tech leans up and presses a kiss to Cougar’s forehead, another to the tip of his nose. He can’t sleep, but he’s content to curl his upper body up to his boyfriend’s and rest his body, if not his mind, one arm draped over Cougar’s chest where it won’t hurt and his free hand closed over the other man’s. There’s no reason to pull the box out of Cougar’s loose grip, when he sits up again Jensen will take it back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________It’s dumb, and dangerous, he knows, but he kind of likes seeing it in Cougar’s hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Jensen isn't sure what’s woken him, but the hospital room is swathed in midnight blue now, the building around him quiet in that way that hospitals get in the very early morning. There’s still a warm, familiar body under his arm, but he pulls away to switch on the light and check Cougar again, just to make sure._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Or, he tries to pull away. There’s something gripping the hand he’d thrown over Cougar’s body that wasn't holding the tech before, and Jensen jerks back quickly enough to make his head spin and Cougar groan._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Cougs!” He’s reaching for his glasses and the light is flicked on before Jensen can think beyond the immediate of ‘ _need to see Cougar, need to know, am I dreaming? _’, and he apologises hastily when the sniper groans again, this time raspy and cracked. “Shit, shit, shit, sorry, do you want some ice?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Cougar gives him a weary smile and a small nod, not relinquishing his hold on Jensen’s fingers. It makes things a little difficult, because Jensen’s not entirely happy about letting go of the other hand he’s holding firmly, but he manages. He slips a few ice chips in between dry lips, watching them quirk up in something that could be a smile if it wasn't so exhausted. Cougar still hasn't opened his eyes, but that’s okay, because holy _fuck, _he’s awake!___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Jensen keeps sliding ice into Cougar’s mouth, eyes taking in everything he can in case this is some mad, Red Bull-fuelled dream. There’s hints of that life thrumming through the sniper again, colour coming back to his face and body twitching to ease pressure before he settles again, a little closer to Jensen this time. Finally, dark brown, bleary eyes open slowly to lock onto Jensen’s blues, and there’s a goddamn _grin _making its way onto Cougar’s face. It’s been too damn long since Jensen saw that, and he can’t stop himself leaning in for a slow, gentle kiss.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________Neither of them do this often – not the kissing part, they kiss plenty. No, they don’t do much in the way of slow, soft, calm, when they’re together. Not that there’s a problem with their kisses or anything else they do, Jensen wouldn't swap any of it for anything in the world. It’s just that normally their kisses are a precursor to sex, fiery and passionate, teeth occasionally sinking in and hands on any part of the other they can reach. Jensen would most certainly not be averse to having more moments like this one, minus the hospital. He’ll have to bring it up to Cougar, when he doesn't have his lips working gentle but firm against the other man's, his left hand clasped with Cougar’s right and the other hand still closed over Cougar’s smaller hand and the box._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________Oh, shit. Well, that’s a mood killer. Jensen keeps kissing Cougs like there’s nothing different, knowing better than to try and sneak the box out from under Cougar’s hand without him noticing, because he’s a fucking sniper for god’s sake. He notices everything, and will also probably break Jensen's hand. But he’s still trying to get the box out without making a big deal of it while Cougar’s still sighing contentedly into Jensen’s mouth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________It doesn't work. Cougar’s grip is vicelike, and he lets out a muffled growl when Jensen pushes the matter. In the end, Jensen has no choice but to move his mouth away from Cougar’s both to breathe and to let out some of the words threatening to bubble out of his damn _ears _if he doesn't start speaking.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“Cougs, I swear it’s not what you think, well, actually it probably is but it doesn't have to be, not if you don’t want, I didn't even mean you to see the damn thing just yet, I was gonna put it away but I fell asleep, and I'm sorry, please don’t be mad at me, Imff –“ Jensen’s rant is stopped by a glare from dark eyes and a hand leaving his to move up and clamp over his mouth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“Jake.” And that’s seriously annoying, he shouldn't be able to say so much with a word and a glare. Jensen knows better than to try and move Cougar’s hand, but he does lick across it. Never before has he been so glad to see the lines around Cougar’s eyes crinkle in mirth before fingernails dig into the side of his face as a warning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“I have known for a while.” Jensen doesn't know what he should be attempting to say to that, but at least Cougar doesn't look mad. In fact, he’s becoming more cheerful by the second. The tech still tilts his head in question, because surely he wasn't that obvious? Pooch would have said something to him if he’d been giving off freakishly strong ‘I want our sniper to marry me’ vibes. Jensen need to know what direction this is going to head in, because he’s gone from miserable and irrationally terrified, to asleep, clearly, to elated that Cougar is awake, to terrified again that the sniper _knows, _and now there’s hope spilling over him again. The maelstrom of emotions is enough to make him want to throw up.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________Cougar moves his hand, and despite the warning in those beautiful eyes, Jensen starts trying to speak again. He turns to the side and reaches for more ice for both of them as a distraction, and because if his throat hurts he imagines Cougar’s is far worse. “How the fuck did you know? Man, I haven’t told anyone, I didn't even tell Emma and you know I tell her everything. Hell, I even told her that I had a crush on you, told her my dreams and shit, man. But I never told her this because then she’d harass me to ask you and I didn't think you wanted it yet or at all and –“ A hand smacks against his mouth harder, and Jensen jerks back with a glare. “Would you stop that? I need to know, Cougs. I've been freaking out about this for fucking ages!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________“Your gear, I shifted it when you were knocked out in Russia.” ( _And of course he did, there’s nobody else who knows Jensen well enough to move his gear properly, and also wouldn't mention finding what is clearly an engagement or wedding ring nearly six months ago. _) “It fell out. I have been waiting for you to ask.” Cougar’s voice is rough, but he’s wearing that trademark smirk that makes Jensen’s heart flutter in the best possible way. “Unless it is not for me?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________Jensen rolls his eyes good-naturedly and would probably slap Cougar across the back of his head if it weren't for the fact that the sniper has to be in a far bit of pain. Speaking of pain – “D’you want me to get a nurse or something? I mean, you need painkillers, and the medical care’s a bit shitty here but I'm sure I can find someone to give you the good drugs.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________Cougar shakes his head, hand reaching for Jensen’s again and giving it a gentle squeeze. “This, first.” He nudges the box against Jensen’s hand as a hint and shoots him a tiny smile. “I want to be lucid.” Well, that’s fair. Cougar’s loopiness on painkillers is a well-documented thing, and although it _is _rather amusing, Jensen would prefer to propose to him while they’re both sober or he would have done it on a million different nights out drinking.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________“Seriously? I'm supposed to be the one calling the shots here, you do know that don’t you? You’re such a bossy asshole.” Jensen is grumbling, but inside his heart is singing because Cougar’s not really an asshole, he wouldn't be doing it like this if he didn't want to say yes. Well, the tech hopes not anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________If he’s going to do it now, he better hurry up, because he knows Cougar well enough to know that he’s hurting and more tired than he lets on, face pale and eyes drooping ever-so-slightly. So Jensen scrubs one hand across his face and through his hair, for some unknown reason trying to make himself look like a man who’s managed to get some sleep in the last week._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________“Right.” He steals another soft kiss while he grapples for the box, and this time Cougar lets it go with far less of an argument. He still puts up a bit of a fight, but Jensen doesn't expect anything less, because hey, it’s Cougar. When the little square is back in his hand, the tech pulls away and looks around the sparse shoebox of a room, little more than a bed, table and chair but at least it has a window looking out into the jungle. No access or vision outside tends to make for an anxious Cougar. “You’re sure you don’t want to wait until we’re somewhere considerably better looking?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________At the look Cougar shoots him, Jensen shakes his head. “Right, dumb question. This is probably one of the nicer places we've been in what, eight weeks? So …” He decides to kneel on the floor, Cougar’s head tilting down to watch him with a sleepy smile. “I seriously did not expect to be doing this yet, if ever, so I'm just gonna wing it, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________The sniper glares at him as if to tell him to hurry up, but the usually threatening look is somewhat mellowed by the minute upward twitch of his lips. Jensen drops his head to stare at stained but clean lino, sucking in a few deep breaths to settle his nerves, before closing his eyes and going for it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________“Cougs, you’re my best friend. You always will be, and I'm just about the luckiest guy in the world to have you as something more too. And hey, it’s awesome that DADT’s fucked off, because at least now I'm not living in fear that you’re going to get in even more trouble because of me. Well, not for just sleeping with me, anyway. I'm sure I’ll still get you in plenty of trouble.” Jensen’s hand fiddles with the box again, pulling it open, checking for the hundredth time that the ring’s actually still _there _, because it would be just like him to lose it, before resting it on the bed’s edge where Cougar can see it.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________________“I'm not going to get all sappy and overly romantic, because you’ll laugh and that’ll hurt you, and also I think I used up my quota of sappiness for the next _year _while you've been out. Don’t snort, you rude motherfucker, I am plenty manly, damn it, but I can admit I was pretty bad while you were sleeping here.” Jensen can’t even look up, his face is burning hot because nothing he’s saying is what was in his head, but he’s making Cougar laugh and there’s a hand wrapping around his and the box, so that’s making everything better. “Also, I didn't plan to be proposing to you here, I'm actually not sure what the fuck I had in mind when I started carrying the fucking ring around but I didn't expect you to be so keen on being with me.” That hand tightens on his in a silent question, and it draws Jensen’s eyes open, his gaze up, to see Cougar watching him with concern and something resembling insecurity being reflected on his face, brows furrowed and bottom lip being gently chewed on. It twigs in the tech’s mind what could be upsetting the other and he hurries to explain, to fix it, because he hates it when the shit that comes out of his mouth upsets the sniper.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________________“Oh shit! No, no, no, I'm not saying I don’t want to ask you to marry me, because fuck Cougs, there’s nothing I want better. I just didn't expect you to want it too and no matter how many times I've practised this speech in my mind it’s not coming out the way I wanted it to.” He leans up to press a kiss to the tanned fingers resting on his own, hoping he can actually make words, his old friends, work for him for once. They tend to be rather traitorous friends, he must admit, mostly getting him into trouble and away from any form of friendship or sexy fun for the entirety of his life to date, and he never seems to be able to get out what he wants to say without a hundred words he didn't need coming out too._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________________“Fuck. Right, let’s make this simple.” Jensen kept his eyes on Cougar this time, letting dark brown settle him into something resembling normal. “Carlos Alvarez. I love you, as much as I love Emma and Beth, and you’re already an irreplaceable part of the little family I have going on. But, if you’re keen on it, and I'm guessing from that look on your face that you are, have been for a while and also think I'm an idiot, I’d like to be able to make it more. We’re allowed to now that DADT’s fucked off, and I … Carlos, will you make me even happier, and marry me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________________Cougar is grinning, white teeth showing in a too-tired face as he squeezes Jensen’s hand firmly. He nods, dark hair tumbling around his face when he shifts on the pillow. _“Si. _I will marry you, as soon as you want to.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________________Jensen can’t stop beaming, cheeks aching after going so many days without smiling at all. He takes Cougar’s hand in his and slides the slim gold band on with shaking fingers, marvelling at just how amazing and _right _it looks there. “As soon as I get you out of here?” He’s not really kidding that much. Patience isn't his strongest trait at the best of times, he knows, and he has to admit there’s a little bit of insecurity there too. Cougar shakes his head and rolls his eyes in that very familiar, fond way, the one where he’s wondering what he’s going to do with Jensen. The tech doesn't mind though, because Cougar’s awake and smiling even though he’s in pain, and he’s said yes, and holy _fuck, _Jensen’s engaged!  
Well, that almost made the whole hellish week worthwhile. Although, as he presses the call button for the nurse and leans in for another kiss, Jensen thinks he would have preferred not having his fiancé in the hospital when he asked._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________________________Oh well, they are Losers after all. It wouldn't make sense for them to do things conventionally, would it?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


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